Days 165 - 184

In an sms from my Dad today he mentioned that he was proud I have maintained a regular exercise regime.

There are times in both the recent and distant past where people around me have lost weight. There is, on occasion, talk of pride. Someone is proud of you that you lost weight.

I want you to know that there are so many other things about you that make you wonderful.

You don't need to lose weight for me to be proud of you.

I wish no one would notice if I lost weight or not.

I don't want to talk about how angry I have felt that things are different when I'm thin again. I'm weary today. Don't worry, it's just hangover blues.

You know what’s really terrible? When you don’t lose weight and then someone asks you if you have. What do you say? Do you ruin the illusion by telling them the truth? I find myself saying ‘I hope so’. How disgustingly glib. It’s like I can accept your compliment and reveal a small, delicious portion of my neurosis to you all in one go. Then I’m trying to figure out what the fuck it is that I’ve managed to do on that particular day to create the illusion that I’m thinner than before.

I hate this idea that people around me would be proud or not proud of the outcome of my relationship with my body.

Isn’t that the whole point of losing weight where there is weight to be lost? So that your body can (in theory) become invisible to the judgment of others.

Swapping food for privilege.

Happy New Year.

You can ask me anything.