Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Days 215 - 223

The last week has been kind of shitty. I didn’t count all my calories and over the weekend I didn’t want to exercise. I’ve felt unfocused. I wonder if I’m sabotaging myself.

I was feeling so positive in the last month before my appointment. Maybe I'm disappointed that I only lost 2kg. Maybe I'm having trouble accepting that 2kg per month is the most I can lose without making weight loss an obsession.

There's other stuff. I keep on thinking about stats I've seen on lapband - average total loss plotted on a graph month by month, rising tantalisingly higher but with n reducing each month. What happened to the people who dropped out of the study? 812 participants down to 12 over 48 months and THAT is information they use to sell you a surgical device?. When I hear about people dropping out of this study I wonder about n. I don't want to think too hard because I'm scared I'll break the spell and next month that 2.1kg will be right back there where I left it.

There might not be any answers.

The dietitian was really happy. The clinical nurse hugged me. The psychologist seemed concerned. He was pleased but it seemed like he was worried I wouldn't do it again next month. Maybe I'm the one who is worried.

16 units of exercise – 4 per week, at least 45 minutes each.

Clear spirits and diet mixers. Only once a week. Keep it under 6 standards.

Minimum weed.

Avoid takeaway excepting salads, clear soups, asian vegetables, rice paper rolls, subway. If a steak, no chips. But the salad is better.


Cook at home.

Feel good. Feel safe. Feel beautiful. Feel positive. Breath.

Exercise to feel good. Eat what you want, make up for occasional foods with extra exercise. Zumba! Maybe some stretching. Gym.

You’ve done this. You can do this.

Cereal for breakfast, sandwich for lunch. Red bull when peckish. Consider whether it is better to save the calories at breakfast. Don't eat stupid shit for breakfast on a whim.

You are afraid of consistent success because it will place an expectation on you to continue to take responsibility for your own freedom. Choice is terrifying.

You are the lead guitarist sinking drink after drink before the show and no one will ever know if it was the booze or if you actually just sucked at guitar.

You are terrified that trying and failing will be harder than failing and failing.

It’s so ok. It is your life. Fuck everyone else.

Sleep 8 hours. Don’t be in a rush if you can help it.

There are some things you don’t recover from, they just change you. It’s ok.

You can ask me anything.


  1. Who takes a banana to a club, then doesn't eat it. Have they seen the fucking price of banana's.

  2. What happened to n?

  3. Lower case 'n' in italics is used to denote the number of people in a study. 'n' will decrease as a result of mortality - people dropping out of a study. This could be for a number of reasons, for example, in a particularly long study over several years people might just move house and the researcher is unable to establish contact with them again. In studies on the effectiveness of weight loss surgeries I tend to believe that people will withdraw from studies when they find they are not achieving results. This means that the statistics produced at the end of the study a positively biased - they provide you with more information about the results of relatively successful study participants.

    I've linked you to a graph that I've seen a number of times showing the average weight lost in the 48 months after lapband surgery. At the beginning of the study 'n' is 812. By the end of the 48 months there are only 12 people left in the study. What happened to the other 800 people I wonder?

    The point is that comparing my progress to the results that are reported as statistics is stupid because those statistics tend to be made up of only the most successful recipients of surgery.

    N though? She's doing fine.

  4. I think you looked very pretty on Friday night and I told boyfriend so. We are in agreement that you are altogether incredibly beautiful, bright and great company. Should I be in the same town as you on a permanent basis I would be insisting on girldates. x

  5. Dawwwww shanks. I think we got some really pretty photos together! xoxo

  6. The best ones are still on the memory card ;)