Days 113 - 118

A long time ago, a really long time ago (not that long ago), we don't know when exactly, but there lived some of the world's first scientists. These weren't your typical scientists - they began by letting their minds get very still and in this quiet space they were able to discover amazing things and uncover incredible secrets about the human body, mind and consciousness.

They discovered things like the way you breathe affects the way you feel and what you eat affects how you think. They noticed to function well the mind and memory need rest and that meditation is the deepest rest of all, giving you incredible amounts of energy.

They also discovered that experiences can cloud our vision by getting stuck in our minds. Meditation can clear these out so we hear, see and feel more clearly.

Meditation is universal, just like you don't have to be Italian to eat pasta.

What if everyone could have a more peaceful and clear mind?

We are all connected.

We can create a better world and it starts with something as simple as closing your eyes, meditating and feeling a deeper connection with yourself.

When you feel good, you treat others around you better, and the cycle continues.

To really open your eyes, sometimes you have to close them.

I’ve been doing assignments in the last week that I did not prepare for. Last night I slept two hours and the night before, maybe three or four. I feel ok. I am surprised by how good I feel. I wouldn’t lie to you and tell you that I had not been assisted by sweet, sweet caffeine. But having taken up zumba, and walking to work three out of five days (which I have not done this week – see my previous statements re assignments) I have been craving and needing coffee less to deal with clients and to feel clear. I feel much clearer.

Do you ever have that thing where you weigh yourself, at that ideal time (first thing in the morning, pre-breakfast, post-bathroom), and this is your true weight. And if you weigh yourself at other times you might be up to 2 kilos heavier? This scares the hell out of me. So just not weighing myself for a while has made me feel better. But by the same token I have this sense that I am not losing. Based on the exercise I have been doing and the amount of food I have been eating I feel like I should.

The thing that I think is missing is the effort. N showed me something a while ago, something terrible and dream shattering about rats thinking about donuts and getting fat and other rats not caring about the donuts and eating whatever and not getting fat. The article then somehow went on in what I recall being a very credible and logical fashion to explain how if I have lost weight in the past by munching nothing but carrot, celery, boiled eggs and duromine while working hospo jobs and working out then I will need to recreate the same conditions to lose weight again. Really what I concluded was that there was a huge element of mind over matter involved. I then of course became very concerned about self efficacy but had my fears allayed by my psychologist who assures me that walking is a completely valid form of exercise and advises me not to punish myself with crosstrainers.

I am scared that what is missing is the mindset. I realised that I have become (relatively) relaxed about these things. Certainly more relaxed about food and fat than I have ever recalled feeling in the past. There is this sharp, dense, point of fear in me that what I need is to feel hopeless, alone. I am so used to weight loss only occurring during times when I felt. like. shit. Times when the only shining light in my life was my shrinking arse.

I’ve been struggling with these conflicting feelings – wanting to be this less fat version of myself (which i clearly fetishise), wanting to be healthy, wanting to love myself, feelings of identification with fat girls as a group, feelings of having betrayed fat girls by wanting to be thinner (but not really thin...), feelings that wanting to be less fat rather than thin is really just me wanting to be the hot fat girl because I have this sense that I could never succeed as a hot thin girl (this is crap, hot fat girls are hot). In large part, feelings of guilt for essentially failing at fat acceptance – agreeing with the ethos, thinking that other fat girls are beautiful, but still desiring to be less fat.

My body is mine. It is mine. I do not have to cram it in any mould regardless of whether we’re talking about the beauty myth or fat acceptance. I can do with my body as I wish and my body can be however it wants.

My body has a duty to no one. The actuality of my body is never a betrayal. To anyone. Hair, teeth, bones, dust.

I was in a dream last night. I was standing on the other side of a sheet of glass from you and I was crying. I had just had the realisation that I am allowed to lose weight and to be me and that these two things aren’t mutally exclusive. I realised that now that I know and accept this fact, that it is all about to happen. I was overwhelmed by this, in the very best and happiest way possible.

I love you too.