Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Days 29 - 33

Everything you knew intuitively about weight loss is a lie.

People who stop exercise gain weight. But exercise is not the most important factor in achieving weight loss. I’ve been to the gym 4 times now since the pain has stopped. 15 minutes, 20, 25 and today 30. Back to normal! It's nice to let go of the lingering negative feelings I had about exercise. I can go, it will help, but if I don't it isn't the end of the world - other things are more important.

I worry about the scars a little. This is my way. I caught chicken pox when I was 20 and there is a scar over my third eye. I cried and cried. I might have been fat but at least I was pretty. Silliness of course. Now it's invisible, a soft cleft above my nose.

V showed me the scars from her lap band. They're silver like stretch marks and they fade into the landscape. It takes her a moment to find each one to show me and I take this to be a good sign. I will be happy if mine are like hers eventually.

The large scar is still red. At the corner there is a small opening - inside there is a stitch that will slowly dissolve. It still weeps.

I showed it to the clinical nurse. I wanted to be reassured that it was normal and not infected. She said it was fine. I wanted to be able to continue thinking positive thoughts about the wound.

A whole range of literature points to positive post-surgery outcomes linked to positive thought.

N and I started meditating weekly at West End 3 or 4 weeks before the surgery coincidentally and it made me feel much more prepared for the surgery. Some days I actually feel like I crave meditation.

A few days later and I was still worried about the opening. N said that hers was less gunky than mine. She told me to shower twice daily, leave the sapoderm on for longer before rinsing, put dettol cream on the gunky spot but keep the bandaid the hell off it. It needs a little air.

In the shower I notice that where I was concerned previously that this larger scar was less neat than the others, it seems to have straightened out. Maybe it was still swollen. Positive thoughts.

Today it seems less gunky.

I have digital scales and I play a game where I step on and off before he can clock a final weight. Best out of three I tell him. Delicious moments 2kg lighter than the final weight before I step off again and he runs back down to zero.

Naked in front of the window, the wind is audible through the trees. I wonder how much my hair weighs. Piercings and uncut nails.

The house is painted in shades of grey, a model of itself. A movie set. Dream worlds from Beatlejuice and Drop Dead Fred. No sun. Quiet. Three fish tanks along the back wall of my bedroom. There is a tiny eyeless shark in my hand. Dark, thin, slimy, angry. I hold it close to its mouth - childhood lessons on how to hold snakes. Its tiny jaws are snapping. The house is empty. Its long tail turns around and digs deep into my hand. Dreams where my mother pushes a pin through my palm as I press one into her eye. There’s no pain here. I’m on the back stairs and the air is still. I throw the shark out of my hands as quickly as I can to escape short, pointed teeth. It squirms on the grass below me and I am slamming the door and running to my room but it’s back with me.

I told the psychologist about how terrifying it was when I went back up again a kilo. He is reassuring. His accent is soft. I have three years of support. Be wary of people around you who have more to gain from the maintenance of the status quo.

A whole range of literature points to positive post-surgery outcomes linked to positive thought.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

Start weight: 112.5
Current weight: 106.5
Weight lost: 6
LT goal weight: 75
ST goal weight: 99

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